This may sound a bit strange to some but tonight, for the first time in I don't know how long, I was comfortable with myself and my thoughts. Enough so that I fell asleep on my couch just thinking!
This is like a rebirth for me because for the last several years, my thoughts have held me hostage. Hostage to a past I could not change. Hostage to a pain for which there is no cure. Hostage. Held in place with no answers and no future. But at the same time this unyield9ng hope that somehow I could beak free. I will explore that hope at a later time. Right now I want to talk about thought and thinking. Since 2012, I haven't read a book for pleasure. That's when I started to go to college and I thought that the books I would read would only hinder me and if I was serious about this education, I could at least sacrifice books. One of my first classes was Statistics. An accelerated summer course. I remember thinking that it was a poor choice to start with, something so demanding. I Aced the class and it surprised me. Another class that surprised me was a history course that required heavy reading about things you never heard of in high school (at least not high school in the 80's). I wrote six papers on the books I read and I got five A's and a B. Throughout my college career I have strived to do very well. But in the back of my mind, there was that voice telling me it should have been an A plus; That B should have been an A. There was always that voice saying I should have done better. It wasn't until my Algebra course that I learned to call that voice a liar. Algebra literally had me in tears because I just couldn't' get some of the concepts. The professor was not much help. When I asked why one parenthetical set in an equation should be multiplied but not the others, he said because two times three times four is twenty-four. He gave that same answer five times and I even as I type, I still don't get his answer. I came so close to quitting. But I discovered a thought process in the back of my mind. It always said I can't understand this. Having understood this, I changed that thought to "just because I don't understand it, it does not mean that I can't understand it. I went to the internet and found purplemath.com. I passed Algebra with a B. You may be thinking what all this has to do with me being comfortable with my own thoughts. For all intents and purposes, I have overcome my own thoughts based on the above. However, what is different is that for the first time (probably a first in my 45 years) in my memory, I did NOT HAVE ONE NEGATIVE THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF! I thought about possibilities, philosophies and Truth. I thought about tomorrow and that old fear didn't creep in. I was comfortable to sleep on my couch alone and I was not afraid. I even smiled when I woke up and saw that I was still on the couch. I can say today that while I may hesitate; while I may still get scared, I will no longer condemn myself with my own thoughts. That small voice in the back of my head that I thought was my conscious is nothing more that the lie created to keep me in a place I never wanted to be. Freedom of the mind. It is liberating! Know the Truth and the Truth will make you Free. |
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December 2016
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